Have You Been Hurt by Unkind Words

I got this message in an e-mail that I am subscribed to. I had several "A-HA!" moments while reading this, because this is exactly how I feel! I have even said some of these things before, like "If I can't clean something the right way, I would rather not clean it at all!" I have actually said this before!
So read this and if it inspires you, you can subscribe to their emails too.

Have You been Hurt by Unkind Words!
Posted by: "FLYLADY" mailto:FlyLady@FlyLady.net?Subject=Re:sheflylady
Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:02 am (PST)

Dear Friends,We have lived our whole lives being put down because we were unable to live up to someone else's standards. You know exactly what I mean! As children we were continually fussed at for not being able to keep our rooms clean. When we went in there to start, we would be completely overwhelmed and no one understood what was the matter! Now as adults we are still have to deal with those accusing tongues! You know the put downs you have received from family members; Mother, husband, sisters-in-law, sisters, and even your children.

Most of these people are BO(born organized) and have no clue why you just can't clean your home! For them it comes naturally! For us, we need to be taught! We are not stupid, lazy or slobs! We just don't do things the way they do. Let's face it; it is hard for any one in the family to live up to their standards. Could that be why they are not much fun to be around..... They are caught up in their perfectionism and don't know how to get off of that destructive merry-go-round. There is a fine line between BOs and SHEs(Sidetracked Home Executives). That line is perfectionism. If you are BO and have joined our group to learn to let go of your perfectionism, you need to know this too. This group is for anyone that is ready to change and this includes BOs.BOs tend to go past that line into obsessive about cleaning. SHEs feel that if we don't have enough time to do it perfectly, then why even bother. We were taught if you can't do it right, then don't do it at all!

We do as we are told. Let's look at what happens when we are confronted with some of those unkind words coming from our loved-ones mouths. I really hate to use that term, because they are not loving when they judge us! Love is unconditional. Their love is only if we live up to their standards. The nasty words can be in snide little remarks or in actions. It doesn't matter they all hurt just the same. As children we would get in tiffs with our friends and blurt out, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" As adults, those kind of words do hurt! Here is how!Your mother comes over and you really know in your heart that she is going to look down her nose or say, why can't you just keep the house clean. Then she goes to the kitchen and starts washing dishes. You just want to crawl in a hole and hide till she leaves. This is not fun for you at all. Then she leaves and by this time you have heard ever word that she has said in her mind, even if you didn't actually hear them with your ears. You have heard them your whole life and they continue to beat you up each time you don't live up to her standards. So when she leaves you start cleaning like a mad-woman! You know the routine! It is the same when your husband gets mad because he can't find any clean socks. You jump up with that serge of adrenalin and get started doing something, anything to look busy! You are running around with your head cut off and you can't seem to accomplish anything but spinning. We have lived off of this adrenalin since we were children. Let's call it fast food. Yes it gives us the spurt of energy for a while, but we can't sustain it for very long. Then we crash and burn. Our anger has been turned inward on ourselves. Living off of Fast Food Adrenalin is not healthy. You are always in fight or flight mode. Another way we deal with our anger is to go lock ourselves in our bedrooms and pout! We hardly ever stand up for ourselves, because we don't know how and besides we accept what they have said about us as the truth. After all they must know what they are talking about, because they can keep a clean house. So with each nasty unkind word, we let a little more of our spirit die.

I want to teach you how to take a different Flight Plan for your life. Let me warn you though! Your family is not going to know what to do with themselves when you are FLYing slow and steady and they can't shoot you down anymore! This is a whole other set of circumstances to deal with. You will not be their whipping post anymore. Their ugliness is just another way for them to feel superior to you! You don't have to eat their fast food anymore! The only opinion that matters to me is yours. I am going to do my best to reverse the years of negative programming by these loved ones. It is a slow process and it does not happen overnight. We know how to clean, we can all do it! Our problem is that we don't have naturally engrained routines. We have to learn them. This is why I like the term learned to be organized.

We may not be born with it, but we can practice them until they are an efficient habit. Good habits are hard to break. Before we start learning good habits, we have to replace the bad habits and thoughts with positive ones. Please don't get caught up in their opinions of you. I want you to change for you, not for anyone else! The only thing that matters is how you feel; I want you to FLY (Finally Loving Yourself)and it is not going to happen in a few short weeks. Read our attitude adjusting essays. Follow a simple morning and before bed routine, declutter just 15-minutes a day and get dressed to shoes and fix your hair and face every morning first thing.

Before long you will not care what they have to say, because you know in your heart that you have the Flight plan that will get you out of the CHAOS. You have been starving for just a few crumbs of acceptance from your loved ones. The only way that you are going to be fed, is if you feed yourself with the love and attention you deserve. You can do this! BabySteps will help you to find the substantial nourishing food you need to sustain your Flight! The adrenalin you have been living on, only leaves you wanting. Scarlett said in Gone With The Wind,(I have paraphrased it) "As God as my witness, they aren't going to lick me. I'm going to live through this, and when it's all over, I'm never going to be hungry again." I want for you what I have; PEACE. When you get a small taste of peace, you will never like adrenalin fast food again. No more crash and burnout from your self-loathing! You will be FLYing!Are you ready to FLY?

You need a great big {{{Hug}}}! I love you all!FlyLady